Huzah.

"What's to stop me from smashing social conventions? What makes me a slave to public preconceptions?"

Got bored and pessimistic in an anatomy lecture so I wrote that. Then on the train on the way home I elaborated on it and came up with this. Yay for the depressing atmosphere of St Albans.

Every week I relive the same few days, lying to myself saying "After I finish uni everything will be perfect" or "Once I retire I'll have the money and time to enjoy myself" where in reality, I have, and will have, nothing. I have become a slave to this giant social machine. Like a seemingly sentient ant goverened by an unseen queen, I work to the standards and morals of the colony wether I condone them or not. All our philosophy, all human endeavour, this very piece of writing, universally insignificant. I want to do something different with my life. Break away from the path society has laid out for me. But the sad thing is, I'm so indoctrinated in these ways that when I try to think about what I'd rather do, I draw a mental blank. All I do know is I want something different that what the world offers.

Cause at the moment, it isn't very much.





And there we have it. Weeks of disappointment manifesting itself in my thoughts. I guess I should explain myself ey? I've narrowed it down to one of three things.
1. Uni life really doesn't agree with me. I don't think this is it because it's slightly more relaxed than yeah 12, less structure, but more relaxed. Helps that I've done every subject at high school before uni. Just a bit to learn.
2. I'm getting old. Maybe I'm..."maturing". I really hope that isn't it... I like the way I am. Or was. If was is the case. Which I hope it isn't. Or do I? Or if I do hope I'm mature, is that the new Shanes resentment of the old Shane? Too complex. Next point.
3. I'm depressed. Pretty self-explanatory. Saw one of those adds that they put above the urinal and I seemed to fit the description. The lack of feeling and all. Numbness. To everything. Forcing myself to feel.


Oh, by the way, I got 79.05.